The ManicaPost
AN old adage goes: “Only those who trust can find love and happiness. And only those who love can be betrayed”. One may want to say that this adage is true, considering the rate at which cases of infidelity are steadily rising.
Lately, the Press has been carrying numerous stories of infidelity in marriages and sadly, most of them are portraying women on the wrong, something which discourages those who advocate them.
The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish the innocent ones more than the exposed ones. They erode strength and self-esteem of those who have been cheated on.
In order for one to lie to their spouse and cheat on their marriage vow, betray the spouse’s trust, and risk losing a marriage and children, an individual’s character has to slip into a shameful place.
Though most people who would have been caught cheating would claim to have reformed, begging for second chances, it is of utmost significance for them to understand that holding on to the scarred marriage may not be possible, some marriages just do not survive infidelity. Sometimes it is better to be healthy alone than sick and hurt with someone else.
The African culture has always recommended that parents should stay together for the sake of the children but the fact is, the same children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.
They are much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure together.
Furthermore, in this moment in time where AIDS is taking lives at an alarming rate, it would only be plausible for people to take parallel routes than to stick to each other when the other party is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere — the only reason which warrants a divorce anyway, as per the precepts of the Holy Book.
The larger the sex network, the bigger the chances of married people infecting and re-infecting each other.
Though it may be difficult, there is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on after infidelity, regardless of whether it was the man or woman who would have cheated.
But if both parties are prepared to stick together after infidelity, it is absolutely vital for the couple to move forward with life and love, trust being the key to the survival of the wounded marriage.
The interviews we carried out showed us that women find it easier to get past their husbands’ cheating as compared to men dealing with their wives’ infidelity.
Speaking in an interview, a Dangamvura woman who refused to be named said the moment her husband confirmed to her that he was cheating, she forgave him after a long heartfelt discussion they had together.
“After five years of marriage, I started suspecting that my husband was cheating.
“One day I confronted him with messages and pictures of him and the other woman and he admitted that he was cheating with her.
“After we spoke heart to heart I forgave him and we have since moved past that,” she said
However, the man we managed to interview (name withheld) could barely speak without becoming emotional. To him, his wife’s infidelity was an attack on his ego and he vowed that he would never find it in his heart to forgive her.
The interesting part of his story though is that he is still staying with his wife despite the fact that she cheated right under his nose.
“My wife cheated with my friend and since I found out, I haven’t spoken to my friend, whom I thought was a brother to me. When hell broke loose, she apologised and promised to commit to me alone.
“Truth being told, I did not walk out of the marriage because when I look at our three children, the thought of being a weekend dad or being without them makes my heart bleed.”
“I can’t say I have forgiven my wife and I don’t think I ever will. Sometimes when I look at her sleeping I am filled with so much hatred that I fail to understand myself. I will stay with her because of my children and that is what it is,” he said.
Moving on after infidelity does not necessarily mean divorce between spouses. It may mean forgiving the cheating partner and forgetting about the past and focusing on a better future.
The truth is that anything can be forgiven because doing so is an act of will rather than a change of circumstances aligning with what we deem they must, as that represents a set of conditions that have little to do with the work of forgiveness.
Whether or not a marriage can be repaired rests more upon a decision to grow by leveraging the hurt, as brutally painful as it may be, and choosing to use it as a source of evolution.
Forgiveness may be one of the hardest parts of salvaging a marriage or love affair. Together, the couple needs to rekindle trust, regain the love, and both parties, especially the cheating one, must prove that his or her behaviour has permanently changed for the better.
Forgiveness that is grounded in “true love” is as much about the willingness of the forgiver to evolve as it is for the forgiven to be worthy of forgiveness, based on a genuine shift in expected behaviour over time.
Instead of jumping into divorce, couples should also be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about one person and what feels good to them. If a person is married with children, then they have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good for them alone.
