The ManicaPost
Dr Mazvita Machinga
SOCIOLOGISTS, psychologists and epidemiologists have recently documented evidence of married people’s better physical health, longevity, psychological health and reported happiness.
| Longitudinal evidence from research studies indicates that: “marriage makes people far less likely to suffer psychological illness; marriage makes people live much longer; marriage makes people healthier and happier; both men and women benefit; these gains are not merely because married people engage in less risky activities; instead marriage quality influences the size of the gains”(Wilson, Chris M. and Andrew J. Oswald, 2005). |
Research in social sciences has suggested that marriage/ marital relationships may have a wide range of mental, social, spiritual and physical healthbenefits. Range of benefits, whau! ,happiness, whau ! , is this really true?
What do you think about this? No easy answer right! The issue here is that when a marital relationship becomes harmful to one’s well-being the benefits become zero and it becomes toxic. Could you be in one?
My recent observation as a psychotherapist is that a number of people are in toxic relationships, they suffer from physical and psychological disorders emanating from problematic marital relations, thus, living in“toxic relationships”.
You can agree with me that, out there, we see some relationships that are toxic and are affecting well-being of those involved.
Regardless of attempts to work through problems; friction and conflict in these toxic relationships are so severe that one or more people in the relationship continue to be hurt.
Toxic relationships leave at least one person stranded in an emotional desert, feeling helpless, hopeless and not knowing what to do. Toxic relationships have caused people to get sick, be traumatised, become suicidal, or even lose lives. Sadly, there are times when people hurt others out of unkindness, intentionally use, abuse and damage the other person, not good at all. Also I have noticed that many harmful, toxic interactions have nothing to do with the desire to cause pain. What I have seen is that due to a person’s own emotional woundedness, stressful lifestyle, mental illness or addiction to alcohol, they tend to ill-treat a spouse, children or other people. Toxic relationships need not imply that the people involved are bad, instead they imply that such people need skills, they need help to stop hurting others.
With the understanding of mental health and seeing what is happening in family and marital relationships, it suffices to say that the quality of marital/family relationships is a key determinant of mental health.
Marital and family distress has become a mental health risk factor of great significance. But then, wait a minute, are we saying marital relationships need to be perfect? No, not at all, my marriage counsellor used to say: “There are no perfect marriages, there are good marriages filled with understanding and caring, so strive to be good.”
Indeed, there is no ongoing marital/family relationship that is totally without friction or conflict. In all “healthy and good relationships”,the people there have the skills to positively handle disagreements and disappointments. There is no need to drive your relationship until it is toxic. Get help!.Most people do not want to accept and believe that their parents, spouse, children or friends are harmful to them. The awareness that a relationship may, in fact, be destructive is obscured by blinders of hopefulness and denial.
This kind of denial may last a lifetime, or it may give way to an increasingly clear but painful awareness that the relationship is not healthy. Partial denial, combined with partial awareness, “Oh my God… I can’t believe this!” is not uncommon in most toxic relationships.
Some try to fix things and upon failing they slip back into denial, “ it is okay, I am fine as it is”. Remember, toxic relationships are never okay, they are not fine , they damage life and human integrity.
You should get help if your relationship is toxic. Help is available. Concerned friends and family should encourage couples to get help, visit mental health professionals, clergy or others who can help. Covering up toxic relationship is not going to help save lives. If ever, these unprocessed experiences of toxic relationships may lead to generational violence and pain. It is important to intervene early before harm is done. Remember that marriages can do more than merely survive: They can also thrive if couples learn the skills to make their relationship work by communicating and seeking help.
For more information and professional counselling and psychotherapy contact Dr Mazvita Machinga Ph.D. a qualified Psychotherapist in Mutare. [email protected] or 0771 754 519 or 0778 8384 10
