The ManicaPost
Dear Auntie Agatha
Hi, I am in a very tricky position and don’t know what to do. Last year I met a guy who was seemingly lovely. We saw each other for a few months, but things were not all rosy. He made excuses, cancelled dates etc frequently. The relationship, while short, was very intense and we never really broke up, rather just stopped calling each other. I then went through a terrible time where I felt quite rejected by him, and felt generally low and unhappy in myself. He still called from time to time, but I had stopped answering his calls. It was easier.
After a few months, and a long holiday, I decided to put myself back into the dating scene and have had a few dates with another guy, who is nice. However, this weekend, the first guy called me an told me that he loves me, that he knows he treated me terribly and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He asked me to come and see him the next day, which I did, and all the old feelings returned. He has apologised for treating me so badly and explained that he got scared by the feelings he was having about me. He didn’t know if he was ready to commit to someone, so it was easier to let me down. Now I have the dilemma. I still love the first guy, and if I guaranteed that he is truthful about his feelings, I’m there in a shot. However, what if it doesn’t work out? Have I missed the opportunity with the other guy?? Please HELP!!!!
Two Boys!!!!
Auntie Agatha replies:
Sorry dear, you will have to choose, or lose the two of them. If your heart says to give the first guy another go, and if you are prepared to lose the second guy, then the only way you will know for sure will be to accept him. You will probably lose the second guy. Be ready to be hurt though if the first guy has NOT changed his ways.
AGATHA
Dear Auntie Agatha
I’m 32 years and have just ended my relationship with my partner of 11 months. Recently I have been in contact (via messenger) with a girl whom I met approx 13 months ago, while I was visiting the then current girlfriend, kind of. At that stage I thought she was extremely cute, but I never had the chance to talk to her direct as she was just visiting and was a friend of a friend obviously. This girl, who we will refer to as Jane, has a current boyfriend, and has a previous boyfriend who lives in another city, trying desperately to get her back. “Very full on with me” she says. Over the last 2 weeks we have chatted about different things, and text even, with the conversations seeming fine, chirpy, and I have even mentioned the occasional “I really like you” line. I know she likes talking to me, she says so. I have even asked her out for a walk, which she accepted, although she said “at a later stage”. She has also told me that she was tempted to go back to this ex-b/f’s motel room recently (he was down for the same course she is doing) but that she swore to herself that she would never cheat. Also, she says that she has told her current b/f she doesn’t know where her head is at the moment, and she says he said nothing, probably worried she might leave him.
When I am talking to her on messenger, he sometimes turns up and she has to hurry to get offline, but then sends me a text straight afterwards saying sorry. My problem is this: I like talking to Jane, very much so, and as I said we seem to communicate well online, but I am unsure where her mind is with everything. She must have so much on her plate so to speak, and I am trying so hard not to pressure her for fear of sending her packing before we have even properly met, but everytime she mentions her b/f, or her ex-b/f, I cringe, thinking it is hopeless.
Although you’ll probably say that patience is the key element here, I cant but help think that my chances of seeing her are slim to none. But if we do eventually meet up, it is quite possible she will be hounded by the “other 2”. It is her birthday next week, and she said she will send me an invite (along with everyone else), but I don’t think I will go, for fear I will see her with her b/f. Jane has asked me why didn’t I like her all those months ago, and what was wrong with her then, and when I replied saying it was bad timing etc, she says it could have been totally different now. If only things had turned out differently those 13 months ago. I guess I will just have to ride with this and see what happens. Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated, especially soon.
Sincerely down and unhappy
Auntie Agatha replies
It is tempting to suggest that you are “32 going on 13”! Life is certainly full of “if onlys and what ifs” along with regrets and missed opportunities. It grieves me that you are so confused and this comes through so forcibly. On the one hand Jane says that she wants to remain faithful yet she is carrying on a clandestine on-line relationship with you. I think you must ask yourself what you see in this lady and why she is carrying on her side of the “relationship.” She may be as confused as you are or else she may be enjoying having 3 men on her string. I’m sorry, but I can’t work this out for you. You will have to do that for yourself. Take a long hard objective look at things; you may find it best to move on. Have a look at some of the subsequent answers about meeting people — there may be something there that helps. I hope you will soon be “UP AND HAPPY” Love from your friend,
AGATHA
Dear Auntie Agatha
I am a 28-yea- old female. Although I am not a hugely outgoing and social person I am also not a geek who likes to sit at home and knit on a Saturday night. I have tried to meet people in lots of different ways, joining groups, going to classes, going out. I just don’t seem to be able to meet people who I click with who are genuine. How can I meet people who are like me (like to go out once in a while, like to watch movies, like to go to shows)??
Lonely Girl Hi LG,
Auntie Agatha replies
You seem to have taken the most obvious steps and I would have otherwise suggested clubs, groups etc. Have you tried a dining/dating club? There are other reputable organisations who arrange dinners and the like (check the Time Out in the NZ Herald or equivalent in your regional newspaper). You should be able to find one in your local area. You don’t indicate what your work situation is but I assume there is no group of people your age who socialise together? You could try googling “how to meet people”. There is some interesting stuff there — and of course a lot of rubbish, but you seem to have your head screwed on correctly — which might give you some ideas. I pray that you will find the right opening my dear.
— The Kiwi Agony Aunt.
