Relationships

My friends are against my relationship

Dear Coleen

I’ve been separated from my husband for the past 12 years. However, in my late 40s, I felt more like sex than I ever did in my younger years and now I’ve hit 50, those feelings have just intensified.

I have a lover who is half my age and wants to marry me, but I just can’t decide what to do, not least because all of my closest friends don’t agree with this relationship and say I should be with someone my own age.

The thing is, older men just don’t seem to come along.

Please help as I really don’t know what to do!

Coleen says

And your problem is? Firstly, ignore your mates — they’re probably just jealous you’ve snared a younger guy.

I’ve read several articles lately about women getting into their late 40s and suddenly finding they have a dramatic surge in their sex drive — it’s almost as if your ovaries are saying, “It’s the last chance saloon” before the menopause hits and your body starts to go through changes.

Look, if you are happy the way you are, then carry on. You don’t say if you’re actually divorced, so if that’s the case, I’d finalise that.

However, you don’t have to rush into marrying your younger boyfriend — why do you feel the need to do that?

You can still have great fun together without getting married. I think you should enjoy your freedom and this new lease of life you’re experiencing.

Dear Coleen

When my husband and I decided to have children, we both agreed that we’d never use physical punishment on our kids. That decision was met with very mixed views from our parents and relatives on both sides of our family, but we stood firm and now we’ve been married for 13 years and have three children who are 10, seven and five.

Six months ago, we had to move due to my husband’s job and, to be honest, I felt relieved that it meant I didn’t have to put up with our families judging us over how we disciplined our kids, especially his mother.

However, last month she sold up and bought a house at the bottom of our road, which I wasn’t happy about, but my husband said it meant we’d have a ready-made babysitter when I had evening meetings (I’m a freelance fashion designer).

Last week, I had a meeting at 6pm, which was expected to last a few hours, but when I got there the buyer signed the contract straight away, so I headed home to surprise my kids.

But when I got out of my car I heard one of the kids crying, so thinking there was a problem with one of them not wanting to go to bed, I went round the back and sneaked in the back door. Then when I went into the front room I saw my five-year-old getting smacked by his grandma. I blew my top and threw my mother-in-law out of the house.

Now my husband is saying I was wrong to do that and that I overreacted. He said that when his mum is in charge the kids must follow her rules. But I believe no matter what, she should honour our decision not to smack. I feel I’m the only one who thinks I did the right thing. What’s your advice?

Coleen says

They are your children and if that’s what you believe, then you need to stick to your principles. If a nanny or babysitter had done that, I’d have no qualms about throwing them out. However, because it’s a grandparent, it’s a more complicated situation.

She’s from a different generation and many women of her age won’t see anything wrong with smacking.

OK, first of all, don’t worry about your child — he won’t be traumatised. Perhaps you did overreact by chucking her out instead of getting the kids to bed and having a discussion about it.

Let things calm down, then go round to see her and apologise for throwing her out, but emphasise that smacking your kids just isn’t going to work for you and your husband. Ask what led to the smack and explain how you’d discipline your child in those circumstances.

Your mother-in-law has every right to say she’s not looking after your kids any more — perhaps she feels she’s not equipped to control them. And, the bottom line is, if it’s something you’re never going to agree on, then don’t use her to babysit. But you mustn’t stop her seeing her grandchildren.

I think your hubby is being a bit unfair — he says he agrees with you on smacking, so he can’t just change his mind when it comes to his mum. He should step in to smooth things over.

Dear Coleen

My husband and I had been married for 40 years and he died earlier this year at 63.

I was completely devastated but then, to make things even worse than I ever imagined, I received a letter a few weeks after his funeral.

It was from a woman who told me she’d been having an affair with my husband for the last 18 years.

It was a long, detailed letter and she knew so much about us as a couple that I instinctively knew she was telling the truth.

I told my husband’s brother about the letter and he confirmed it was all true.

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach and couldn’t breathe.

I’m not sure what’s more hurtful — the fact my husband had a secret life, or the fact my brother-in-law, whom I’ve always been incredibly close to, knew about it and never told me. The last couple of months have been a blur.

I have three grown-up children who I haven’t been able to tell as I know it’ll devastate them.

I’ve told two close friends who have tried to help me but my grief is so overwhelming I just don’t know where to turn.

I feel like I never really knew my husband and he’s not even around for me to confront. How am I ever going to get over this?

Coleen says

This must be so horrendous for you. My first suggestion is you should go to counselling.

Not only are you grieving the early loss of your husband, the man you loved for all those years, you’re also dealing with the secret hurt and betrayal you’ve since discovered.

I think you’re right not to say anything to your children at the moment because they’re dealing with their own grief.

And I’m glad you have two good friends to confide in.

But it’s hard to speak to family members and friends because they’re all involved in a way.

Counsellors however, are impartial and you can tell them anything. Now, to your brother-in-law.

I actually feel quite sad for him. He probably hated knowing what his brother was doing and agonised over whether to tell you. Yet if he had told you, he could have potentially blown your family apart and ruined his relationship with his brother.

Maybe he even thought you knew — after all, we never really know what’s going on in other people’s relationships.

So while I can understand you feel hurt and betrayed by him, try to remember he was put in a really horrible situation.

Lastly, I think it’s despicable that this woman wrote to you.

She knew your husband was married so she knew exactly what she was getting into, yet to devastate somebody when they’re grieving for their husband is just plain nasty.

She’s just trying to get rid of some of her own guilt and grief. But take heart from the fact he clearly never loved her enough to leave you.

Honestly, I would have counselling if I were you. So see your GP and ask them to refer you or recommend somebody.

You’re dealing with so many raw emotions right now and if you don’t let them out properly they’re going to fester and get worse.

Dear Coleen

I’m a 28-year-old woman and I haven’t really had any serious relationships. I’ve had a few flings that have lasted a few months, but I have slept with quite a few men in my time.

I don’t feel bad about that — well, I didn’t until I met my current boyfriend (who is 25) and we got talking about our relationship and sexual history.

He told me he’d slept with five women — all proper relationships. My list of exes is a lot longer, however.

Let’s just say it runs into double figures. I was too embarrassed to tell him my real number so I lied and said it was eight. I feel bad having lied, but I think he could be “the one” and I don’t want him to think I’ve slept around or I’m unable to hold down a relationship. Help!

Coleen says

Like you say, you’ve never met anyone you’ve wanted to have a serious relationship with, so that’s why you’ve slept with more people than he has. I’m sure he’d get that. And why feel bad about your sexual history? I also don’t think you’re giving him enough credit — why would he judge you? He’s not with you because of how many people you have or haven’t slept with — have more confidence in yourself. And, if he did judge you, then I don’t think he’s “the one” after all.

If you feel bad about lying to him, then fess up and make a joke of it.

But I think you’re the one making it into an issue — I don’t think it’ll be a problem for him. — Online.