The ManicaPost
Ann Ruthenburg—
Dear Dr
I AM 19 years old and I am a first year university student. I have fallen for this guy who has asked me out, what should I do? My parents are against me dating until I am at least 22, but I am afraid to lose this guy because there are so many girls here who are attractive and can steal him. Please help!
Hello dear,
Thank you for your message. I never like to take sides in any situation when I give advice. Usually I like to separate the issue from the person or people involved and then deal with that. But sometimes it is extremely difficult when the issue is the person. In this case, unlike what you believe your parents are thinking, the issue here is you. Don’t get me wrong. I do not mean that in a bad way, but in a good way. Let us see if I can break this down in easily digestible advice. Remember also that all I can do is give advice, the decision in the end is yours.
Let us deal with your age first because you may feel you are mature enough. Yes, in some Indian /Asian/ Western and African countries, by the time a woman turns 16 she is considered old enough to be a wife and mother. From as young as nine-years-old these girls are groomed to be mothers and wives so that by the time they are 16 they are good to go. They do not aspire to further their education academically and it is not an issue for them. These girls (as young as they are) are secure in themselves and their ability to run their homes and support their men domestically, they are confident and can match any older married woman out there when it comes to the above issues. Their whole lives thereafter are about their men; their homes and their kids.
This, however, is not you I know because you would not be in university (which shows either you or your parents want you to have a career). And you would not be worrying about other women getting your man before you have him (a sign of insecurity). I am also thinking by your question, that this is your first deep like/love or first guy you want to get into a relationship with.
At 19, your emotions are still not settled. Do not listen to people when they say a woman riches full maturity at 18. No that is Government’s age of majority. At 18 years you have not even started to face life as it is out there, let me tell you. You are what we call in your late teens/early young adult stage until you get to 21. By 21 you are considered old enough to start making mature decisions for yourself not for others yet.
Now added to this you have the pressure of university, and making the marks. Then there is trying to fit in and peer pressure. Then you want to add to this a relationship, which means there will be more than a little physical activity between you and your man (this already will be emotional). I do not care how many boys one has gone out with, unless you have a stone cold heart or are a player; there is going to be a whole lot of distraction; emotional up and downs; jealousy due to insecurity, tears, emotion and everything that comes with being in university and having a relationship.
Once you put a title to your relationship, the way you react to each other in it will change to fit the new title. Friends care for each other and are protective over each other.
There are no strings attached you are supportive of each other but there are no commitments to each other. Once you take your relationship to boyfriend and girlfriend status, you signify that you are now exclusive and that you want to get to know each other more personally and supposedly physically. Something will have to suffer here, either studies or your emotions.
Now having said all this is a nutshell, this is what your parents are concerned about. Yes, they are protecting you from you and from what the affect the other person could have on you. So I must ask you what possible reasonable reason would you want to have a boyfriend in your first year of university at 19? And key word is reasonable.
The following are not excuses…peer pressure (all the girls in first year do not have boyfriends, so change your friends if they are pressurising you).
Fear of losing him (you are obviously insecure in your friendship. My thought is if he is serious about you he will wait as your friend until you are ready, if he is not serious he will play around out there. In that case he is not worth it). Loneliness (Socialise more with different members of the opposite sex, one does not have to be in a relationship to hang around with the opposite gender. Besides having male and female friends is a good balance for single people).
Also I must ask you, which is it better to please right now…YOUR PARENTS who at this moment want you to have a secure future by getting through university…OR…to be SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE AT CAMPUS by having a boyfriend, which could end in disaster of pregnancy, which would set you back in your studies; which is a waste of money (not yours – so be considerate/grateful), or emotional upsets / depressions which leads again to low marks and possible failure.
I hope this helps you dear. That is it from me this week folks, until next week, God Bless!
The Marriage Doctor can messaged /whatsapped on 0733 285 730.
