The ManicaPost
Sonya asks:
Hi! I have been married for over five years and have a loving husband and a wonderful daughter. Recently I was bored and just picked up my husband’s phone and saw a chat on his Instagram account. In the chat he is telling an old female friend of his, that she is so pretty and also goes on to say that, before getting married he had a huge crush on her and that he thought she was way out of his league so he never acted on his feelings. He also goes on to say that she will always be an inseparable part of him! I confronted him and he says that it didn’t mean anything. What should I do? Am I over reacting? He has not talked to that girl since and during the chat the girl didn’t seem interested in what my husband had to say and she did not continue on the topic. What does all this say about my husband??
Michelle says:
Dear Sonya
I am sorry to hear you suffering from this common modern dilemma. So many women find themselves in this mind-curdling situation, where it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. The internet offers a myriad of ways to blur boundaries, contacting an old flame is one of the most potentially damaging.
Firstly, you are not over reacting. A million questions will be whizzing around your head — it’s natural when the person you love and trust is found to connect with someone from their past. I anticipate the fear factor will have also kicked in. Most people in your shoes would be feeling bemused and confused — not to mention downright bloody angry!
We’ve all heard those whispers and stories about marriages ending as a result of these thoughtless, seemingly random, approaches. You are bound to be harbouring ‘what if ‘ thoughts and wondering about your husband’s potential next step if the other woman had responded in a warm and welcoming way.
Humans are designed to move towards feelings they want more of and away from those that don’t feel good. This is a great time to have a relationship audit, to find out what’s really going on for both of you under the bonnet! Maybe it’s been a while since your last relationship audit! I’m a big believer in turning life’s BS into fertiliser, using the challenges and painful events to grow more of what you want in your life.
Sit with your husband down, take care not to attack but be open to listening to what he has to say. What was his true intention (and hopes) when he sent that message? Take this as an opportunity for both of you to take a good, hard look at your relationship. How much time and energy do the two of you invest in making the other feel secure, loved, appreciated and desired?
Gary Chapman has an excellent book called “Five Love Languages”, I highly recommend for you and your husband to take the first step of turning this into a relationship gem. When you know how each other needs to feel appreciated it make the relationship minefield a whole lot clearer for everyone.
Hi Lucy,
My boyfriend told me that before we got close as friends he and his friends used to take the mick out of my nose because it is big. I hate my nose, I used to be really insecure about it and I somewhat sort of got over it. He’s made me feel insecure about it and now I feel I don’t want to be with him because he may never make me feel beautiful and every time he will compliment me I will think it’s a lie. I can’t break up with him it’s a stupid reason. How can I get over this and forget it and become secure?
Hi Lez,
When he told you about it- was he apologetic? He may have gone along with the banter to fit in with his friend’s opinions rather than forming ones of his own. He might not have meant it or regretted saying it.
People look for an easy target -chances are his friends have something physical that they too are self-conscious about. People who fixate on someone else’s features are simply trying to detract away from their own, so this is less about you and more about them. Clearly your boyfriend finds you attractive, or he would not be going out with you— perhaps he was just trying to be honest with you before you found out from everyone else.
Some might say that he should have kept this piece of information to himself but if by hearing this it is highlighting an existing issue with you both, then perhaps it is better that you know and can tell him how much it hurt you to find this out.
If you ‘got over it’, then perhaps you need recall how you were able to reach that place where your nose didn’t matter to you as much. If you were finally able to see it as a beautiful feature, then what your boyfriend thinks is irrelevant. As long as you are happy with yourself then that is all that matters as confidence filters down to others too.
Celebrities like Davina McCall and Tamsin Grieg have prominent noses and are still beautiful women- in fact it’s become one of their trademarks- the thing that makes them distinctively attractive.
There are probably things that he is insecure about that you would not bring up because sometimes it’s kinder not to. If he can’t accept you for being unique then perhaps you need to find someone who will.
