The ManicaPost
Ann Ruthenburg Marriage Dr
HELLO there folks I hope you are all good this week. This week I had a message from a desperate wife who says… Aunty, please help me. I have been married for three years and I love my man. But from day one he has been sleeping with other women. His tete said he would stop when I reported him. But he has gotten worse. He now demands to be intimate with me after sleeping around. I am so scared because I can smell the other woman on him and he refuses to wear a condom. I hate being intimate with him and I do not respond so he is basically raping me because it is against my will. What can I do please? When I told him that I want to go back to my relatives he said he will demand his lobola back. My family are not well off so they cannot refund it. So I am stuck here. I want to die because I see no way out….end.
Dear I am so sorry you are going through this. If I showed you all the messages from women out there complaining about the same thing you would be surprised. It really saddens me to have to answer such messages because is unfair.
I am going to use your message to answer both women in this situation or similar and men who are doing this nonsense. To you the lady being abused, get help urgently. Even though your husband refuses to wear protection, it does not mean that you cannot wear protection. You need to go to a clinic near you and ask them for a female condom. Your husband may have the power to use lobola to keep you, and he may claim he has the right to his conjugal rights, but you my dear also have a right as an individual in an abusive marriage to protect yourself. I would also advise you to go and get tested for HIV and any other sexually transmitted disease. Better be safe than sorry. Once you have done all that, you need to speak to your husband seriously. He is being selfish and cold hearted.
You need to remind him that as a man he has conjugal rights, yes, but also as a man his job is to protect you in everyway. Sleeping with other women then coming home and demanding to be intimate with you is not protecting you. In fact, he is putting you in danger. If he claims to love you, he needs to stop this nonsense. He needs to stop sleeping around and if he can’t he needs to get psychological help. He also needs to get tested as that is the mature adult thing to do.
Let me say this though… If he is beating you or starts beating you my dear…go to the authorities. The law protects women like you and there are places you can go and stay at for safety until you can go back to your family. Do not ever stay in a marriage if you are being beaten or if your life is seriously at risk. The law is on your side.
You need to also speak to someone in your family who can sympathise with you. It is not right for your family to go quiet and allow you to stay in an abusive marriage just because they need the lobola. Traditionally this is not why lobola is paid. And there are ways and means to deal with these things traditionally.
Another thing is my dear you need to get counselling quickly. Your inability to enjoy sex is understandable, but it is not healthy. Every human being in a marriage union needs to enjoy that side of sex its natural. So you need help to deal with the reasons you have become unresponsive. This is necessary for you whether you stay in the marriage or move on to another marriage.
I would suggest you also get your family involved. There are meetings they can hold with his relatives that might put your man straight. Another thing you must know is that what your man is doing is not a reflection of you. It is not your fault. He has a weakness and he is failing to deal with it. You have done nothing wrong especially since your marriage is still so young. So please do not blame yourself or feel bad. It is not you.
If after all this your man refuses to change, you might have to think about taking things further like a separation if you find the situation is causing you to have unhealthy thoughts like suicide. If you are a church goer, I would strongly advise you to seek spiritual counsel. Having a group of people around you praying and supporting you is important. Also in my view the most powerful anecdote to solve any marital issue is strong continuous prayer. But if you are not a strong believer you might not feel like that is an option. Whichever way though, pray for yourself and your husband and for God to show you the best way forward.
I wish you all the best my dear and any other women going through this.
Well, that is it from me this week folks, until next week, God bless.
Marriage Dr can be contacted at Osprey wedding venue, Penhalonga, or whatsapp on 0772933845
