The ManicaPost
HELLO there folks, I hope you are all good this week. I will attempt to answer a question from a young lady wrote to me some time ago saying she has been married for two years and has a 2 ½ year-old-baby. She says her man was ignoring her.
He has other girlfriends in his life. She lives with her mother-in-law who she says supports her husband. Even his sisters do not support her, but they seem to encourage their brother’s bad behaviour. She says her mother-in-law is always talking bad about her to other people, but denies it when she asks her why.
She is not working and her baby is small so she can’t look for employment. Her mother cannot take her back because she is very poor and when she went back to her mother’s place, her husband threatened to demand his lobola back. So her mother said she can’t take her back. She says she can’t take it anymore.
People, this letter is just one of many, I promise you, so I am going to try and be loving, but strong, because the situation is serious.
Dear Reader
First, I need you to know that there is always a better day to come no matter what you are going through. Secondly, I want you to know that there is nothing new under the sun, what you are going through, someone else has gone through that and someone else is going to go through that. As much as we feel alone at time and that we feel like we cannot go on, believe me even this will pass.
The trick is that you need to get to a place where you realise that change can come for the better, but it is up to you and you alone.
Next you need to know that while you are feeling like life is not worth it, those around you who are causing your emotion pain are actually very happily living their life. So you need to also start living your life.
It is not what you that is important. Well, you are obviously unable to turn to anyone for assistance right? And you have a baby which makes it hard for most people to take you in right? But there is help for women in your situation.
There are so many places in the country that can help you in the interim. But before we go there, I must ask you a few questions that you do not mention in the letter.
Does your husband love you? And do you love him? This is a very important question for us to answer before you make any decision based on the advice I give you.
Your man stays away from home and spends more time with his mistresses, so I doubt there is love on his side. You have not said you love him in your communication to me, so I am wondering if you still do.
Being married for two is a short time, so I wonder if you both actually ever loved each other. You mentioned that you fell pregnant before you were married and based on this, I am going to advise you accordingly.
If I am wrong, feel free to write back to me. But in my years of experience of counselling people, when a man turns on his woman and his family also turn away from her too so early in the marriage, there is always something that happened either before the marriage or during the marriage.
Usually the answer to the ‘something’ is that the girl fell pregnant or claimed she was pregnant and so the guy married her just to do the right thing and not because he actually loved her.
This in turn means his family will turn against her too. Once he has married her or paid damages, the man will go off and look for someone he really does love and his family will support him.
Now if this is your situation, you have to decide whether this is going to be okay with you forever, or after two years you decide to move out and leave him. My thinking right now is that you take the first step to become independent.
You are in an unstable place at the moment, and having a two and a half year old is trying on its own. Many women make the same mistake when they get married, which is to become totally dependent on their husband.
Then when the trouble starts, they cannot do anything about it, because they are not empowered. They suffer and the kids suffer and no one wants to help.
Now I believe in marriage 100 percent. I believe the two become one 100 percent. But I also believe that the one needs to allow each partner a bit of independence so that they do not stifle each other. Men understand this perfectly. Wish you luck. Until next week, God Bless!
The Marriage Doctor can messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845.
