The ManicaPost
DEAR DEIDRE: FOR six years, I have been having sex with an amazing guy and I am falling in love with him.
He doesn’t want a relationship with me but sex with him is so good I can’t give him up.
We first met at a college disco ten years ago. We had a few dates back then but I was young and stupid. He finished with me after I flirted with his best friend.
I bumped into him again six years ago.
I often pick up a latte on my way to work and one morning he was in the coffee shop.
He told me he had recently moved back to the area and we arranged to meet for a drink after work a few days later.
We got on really well and he asked if we could meet again.
We started seeing each other and soon were having sex — which was brilliant — but things were still fairly casual.
He is 28, I am 26 and we are both single. He has a good job and a decent family.
He treats me with a lot of respect, like a girlfriend. We have a laugh and a good time when we are out together. He always tells me what a great person I am and how beautiful I am.
My mum has met him and loves him. She has always said we should be together.
I asked him last week if he would consider a relationship with me but he said no.
He said he wouldn’t want to risk a relationship ending on bad terms and not having me in his life.
I said that would never happen but he insisted he is just not a relationship person. I am heartbroken. I know he has feelings for me, as he had told my friends how much he admires me.
Now I feel bad, as I had the chance to be with him years ago and I messed up.
DEIDRE SAYS: You cannot go back and put right the mistakes you made ten years ago. In any case, these mistakes may not be connected with why he does not want a relationship now.So stop not blaming yourself. His feelings are more likely due to his experiences after you broke up.
He says he does not want to lose you but he is doing nothing to keep you. Tell him that you are falling in love with him and you want to start a committed relationship.
If he still says no, you cannot change this but you should stop accepting just being friends with benefits. The longer you let this continue, the more you will hurt.
Make it clear that if he does not want a real relationship, you will not be having sex with him again. That could focus his thinking.
If he still refuses to commit, give yourself time to get over him and move on.
*****
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM cheating on my boyfriend with a man twice my age.
I am 17, he is 37 and used to go out with my friend.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He is also 17.
The cheating began with messaging and exchanging pictures. We always had lots to say to one another.
Then it became sexual.I don’t know why I am doing this.I love my boyfriend and don’t want to lose him.
I never thought I would become a cheat.I feel guilty because I have to lie when my boyfriend wants to see me and I have arranged to see my older lover.
DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe it was flattering at first but if you don’t want to lose your boyfriend, break with this older guy.
He is very unlikely to be taking your relationship seriously and may well be simply using you. Block him on your phone and social media to spare yourself further temptation.
*****
DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE I was working away from home, my wife was sexting another man.
We are saving for a house and my firm offered me a four-month contract abroad where the pay was too good to refuse. I am 28, my wife is 23 and we have an 18-month-old daughter.
I found the texts on her phone when I got back. She seemed withdrawn and I was suspicious. She’d sent him topless pictures.
She said it was because she felt lonely. They talked about having sex but she insists they never had any physical contact.
I am devastated. I feel angry whenever my wife approaches me for sex. She tries to coax me but it feels like she is doing it to make me forget what she did.
DEIDRE SAYS: If she felt lonely, she should have sexted you. It sounds like you both really want to save your marriage, so try to unbend a little.
Tell her you need her to keep reassuring you that you are the one she loves.
