The ManicaPost
Ann Ruthenburg —
IF your happiness depends on your partner, you will never be happy. Your acceptance, identity, security and purpose cannot be based on another person, regardless of whether you are married or not.
This is why so many marriages are breaking down. It is because we rely on our marriage partner to make us feel complete.
As individuals, you should have entered your marriage complete already. Then when you marry, you are simply adding value to the other person.
Hence my statement of marriage is 100 percent giving both ways and not 50 percent give and take.
When you wake up every day you need to ask yourself what are you giving the world today, what are giving to your family or partner that will better them and what are you doing for yourself that will make you a better person to be around that day? It should not be what is my partner giving me today.
The story of men needing their women to feed their ego every day and women needing men to supply their every financial need is not realistic. This co-dependency is unhealthy.
The only one we should be co-dependent on is God. When it comes to our partners we should be inter-dependant. I will talk about that on another issue.
Now this does not mean that we should then reject each other’s differences. Just because your man spends all his time watching soccer does not mean he is a problem.
It is his passion, even if you hate it, you should join him once in a while or even ask him to explain a few things to you so that you understand the game.
On the male side, just because your wife loves spending time at bridal showers and ladies teas does not mean she is up to mischief all the time.
Maybe that is her way of socialising with other women. So instead of always complaining, maybe take time to drop her off and pick her up when she goes to these events.
Trust me when other women see another woman’s man dropping her off, they think he is amazing.
Wouldn’t you as a man like for your wife’s friends to think you are amazing? This also means she will not be able to speak negatively about you because all her people think you are great. Lol, just checking!
So this brings the subject of rejection of each other’s differences. This is unhealthy. Remember months ago I wrote about the different love needs of men and the different love needs of women (not love language; but love needs).
The four key love needs of a man are honour, sex, spousal friendship and domestic support…
The four key love needs of a women are security, open and honest communication, leadership and non sexual intimacy.
So you see as different genders already there are differences, imagine as individuals. So you have to remember, a man’s Mega Love need is Honour and a woman’s Mega Love need is Security.
Another issue that will come up in marriages that could be a problem is the way couples view money. People have different money languages.
There are four different money languages, which I shall discuss in the next issue. But most couples do not spend money the same.
So when you learn what your partner’s money language is, you can complement each other and not criticise each other or blame each other for stuff.
Another thing I want to touch on when discussing about our relations is the three different types of world views in a marriage.
What is a world view? Well, simply put – it is the way you view life around you and its issues.
The four views in a marriage are:-
Rejected differences – someone who rolls their eyes when they disagree with you, or they will tell you that you are crazy (not joking).
They are also people who walk away while you are still talking if they disagree or they answer you negatively. They do not care what you feel, it is all about their view.
Tolerated differences – you say things like “that’s men for you” or “that’s what women do”, even though what your partner is doing hurts you, you simply brush it aside and find an acceptable excuse.
These people hardly stand their ground, always trying to compromise. Yes marriage is compromise, but not in everything.
Celebrated differences – Where you celebrate the fact that you have differences and you do not fight for the person to be just like you.
You have learnt to be a team. If you reject your spouse’s difference, you reject them. It does not mean everything the person does is right, but it is not your job to try and change them, it is your job to encourage the good habits and influence change on the bad one.
But actually change is not yours to force. Now for those who asked me what the indicators of divorce are, there are so many I tell you.
But there are four major ones that you can seriously say this marriage is heading for a crash. The four are:
Negativity – when a negative tongue sets itself in your relationship it will inevitably drive your spouse away.
Constantly picking on each other and pointing out each other’s faults is like constantly throwing hot oil on the other person, they can’t survive that.
The longest lasting marriages are those where partners celebrate and encourage each other. Even if you do not understand why they are doing what they are doing; or you don’t understand why they are saying what they are saying; there is no reason for you to criticise them for it.
But for now that is it from me this week folks, until next week, God Bless!
Marriage Doctor can messaged / whatsapped on 0772 933 845.
