Is he using me for sex?

Hi, nine years ago I fell hopelessly in love with my work-colleague. We are both researchers so had lots of time and opportunities to meet within office hours as he was married. We were crazy for each other, he was very romantic.

His wife found out — I think he wanted her to — but after she moved out and we were supposed to be together but he broke up with me. He was very upset, I suspect someone said something bad about me — he said he would never tell me.

I have tried and tried and tried to contact him hoping for at least an explanation. I could not get over him, he was the love of my life. About a year ago he started responding to my messages on social media. I know him well so could read from very short notes that he was still angry. After several months like this he agreed to meet me in my flat.

He behaved as if nothing happened and we ended up in the bedroom kissing and cuddling. No explanation — even when I tried to talk to him. After that there was no contact for several weeks.

We started messaging again — he always writes that I am beautiful and wants pictures of me. We ended up meeting again and ended up in bed.

Now several months later he has been texting me and planning a meeting for months, he comes over, acts like he used to and we make love. He kisses and cuddles a lot. I do not understand it at all.

He does not seem completely heartless or cold, he shows interest in me when we talk, he holds me in a very tender way. But then he leaves, no explanation, no nothing. I need to understand to be able to move on. I miss him, I think of him all the time — seven years after we broke up.

How do I get him to talk to me? Is he using me for sex? He keeps telling me I am fantastic and so beautiful. He used to be my soul mate, we used to talk for hours, were very close but even when we dated we almost never talked about his wife, we were in our little bubble of crazy love.

I do feel at times that something troubles him, he does not want to show. All we have now is a sexual tension. He used to be the person who knew me best, whom I thought I knew — how come I am not able to talk to him? Unless I send him sexy pictures he often does not answer.

Sometimes he answers when I ask about music or art — like he used to, but not often. I know that people might have all kind of relationship and I would even be his mistress — I think he has a girlfriend now — and I am very busy with my career. I have talked to so many friends and psychologist about him — the way we broke up and his behaviour at various stages of our relationship — it does not make sense. On one hand he cares a lot, on the other he is cruel.

Please help me, I am so exhausted of this but I cannot stop seeing him. I need an explanation. Miranda

Dear Miranda

I am sorry to hear you are caught up in the craziness and pain of this common romantic conundrum, one I work with all too often… Love addiction. Infatuated, in pain and feeling insane!

You describe typical behaviours, and the confusion, of a love addict. A term coined by Pia Melody a couple of decades ago when she discovered huge numbers coming to her clinic in Arizona showing similar symptoms.

You are not in love with this man as he is now. You are in love with the way you felt when you were with him, all those years ago, during an affair.

Step back, look at the current reality. What are you really getting from this man? How often do you feel good with him? (Other than when you are having sex!)This is not going to be easy, taking the lenses of delusion away, will leave you feeling raw and sore.

There is no relationship, he shows up when it suits him for sex and a chat, he then disappears at whim. He does not want to talk to you in depth; he would have done so by now. You have fallen into the dangerous and painful trap of believing that with your love and understanding he will change and you will live together happily ever after.

You are creating the ultimate Disney Story but this guy is not behaving like Prince Charming and a Princess would demand more from her suitors, you have sadly fallen in love with a fantasy.

This is a tough response because you need to take those rose-tinted glasses off and seek expert external help before you waste more of your precious life. Love addiction is the addiction to the way you feel when you are with that special person. We lose ourselves and our own self-esteem along the way, as we get confused.

The harsh reality is that at some point he made you feel lovable and desirable, filled the emptiness inside and you have got hooked into that. It was a long time ago and you have suffered a long sentence of pain and what if’s. Do not stay around trying to get this guy to talk, go talk to someone who can help you. To start you off, I recommend reading Love Addiction by Pia Melody, the book will help you make sense of the muddle.

Focus on yourself Miranda, by healing your own wounding you will in turn attract less wounded or dysfunctional men and give yourself the very best chance of a healthy and loving relationship in the future.

You deserve more than you are getting. Self-worth, self-respect, self-love will become your best friends but you have to work at it. You will thank yourself for the rest of your life. I wish you every success.

John asks:

Why am I still single? I am 31-years-old and I have been single most of my life I have had two three month relationships and countless dates, but I can never seem to keep a girl interested.

I have a nice car, my own house and I am an area manager for a supermarket so I am on decent money and I am degree educated. I am currently working on losing my weight and getting the body I want. My social life is not that great because I have been focused on work. I am 5,9 so okish height. I can keep conversation going and dress well so I just do not get why I am still single.

Dear John,

It is a quandary, but appears that you would tick lots of boxes from willing and eager women out on the dating scene. Dating is not just about being eligible physically and materially, we also need to check on a few ‘E’ areas:

Expectations — are you being unrealistic when it comes to your wish list?

Emotional Availability — are you asking questions and listening to their responses and ready to engage at an emotional level?

Empathy — are you connecting and finding out what you have in common? People like people like them. We love to hang out with people that make us feel understood.

Eroticism — are you timing your moves well? Not too fast and not too slow — it probably sounds like a minefield but by building rapport with women and practicing the power of your intuition you will soon easily sense their rhythm and flow.    

You do not mention what happened with the past two girlfriends.

It is difficult to advise you without more information but why not check out a few sessions with a good dating coach?  Persia Lawson comes highly recommended and has even written a book about the subject.

In the meantime make a list of the girls you have dated, every single one of them. Put their names on the left hand side of the page.

Now in the next column tick if you were interested in them.

In the next column, write why the connection failed. Your instinct. 

What was missing? What was too much? 

By looking for patterns you could uncover a simple unconscious behaviour or strategy that has been set up to protect you. — femalefirst.co.uk.