DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having fantastic sex with my old flame but we can never be together.
My marriage is dead. I am 45 and my husband is 47.
We have been together for 15 years but hardly talk to each other now. He is rude, uncaring and selfish. Even our 13-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son are fed up with him. My sister says I should work on my marriage. But too much water has passed under the bridge.
A few years ago I found an old boyfriend on Facebook. He is my age.
We dated in our teens and he was crazy about me. He was lovely, good-looking and funny but his strict parents made him study so I hardly ever got to see him. I dumped him and he was heartbroken.
When I found him again on Facebook I had just been dumped by another guy I was cheating with, and I was very hurt.
I met my ex, we had a takeaway and drank wine, then we had sex. I couldn’t get away fast enough the next morning.
He was so in love with me but I was still hooked on the guy who’d dumped me and it just didn’t feel right.
I messaged him the next day to explain and we went our separate ways again.
Then three months ago, I sent him another Facebook message and he replied. I couldn’t believe it after the way I had treated him. We started texting, then phoning. He said I was like a breath of fresh air and he was so happy to be in touch again. He’s now married with two children but we eventually met. We got a room at a motorway hotel and spent the afternoon having the most wonderful sex. It was so special. Then he changed. He started to back off. We would chat on the phone but it was like we were just mates.
He always had an excuse for not seeing me. I was confused because I had fallen in love with him. If he told me he did not want me now, I know I could not handle the rejection, so I have blocked him from my life.
I had to do it to keep my sanity — but I miss him so much.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your old flame has taken a step back, so it sounds like he doesn’t want to break up his marriage and family – and maybe doubts he could trust you because you dumped him twice.
Breaking off all contact with him is best for you now. Your marriage is in trouble and you need to focus on sorting that out one way or the other.
It is not good for you to be in a cold, unloving relationship and it is damaging for your children.
Try to find out whether there is any way back for you and your husband.
Talking to a counsellor together will give you both a safe space to explore whether this is possible — and help you part decently if you’re right and it’s past saving.
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD sex with a random girl I met at a party and I can’t stop feeling guilty about cheating. I’m 23 and I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year. She’s 24.
She never seemed that keen on me initially. It almost felt like she didn’t care, because she would only agree to see me every other weekend even though we lived close to each other.
She’s a nurse and I know that her shift patterns are difficult but it all seemed very casual and I didn’t push her for more at that stage. Then one of my best female friends invited me to a work party as her plus one. I was chatting to some of her colleagues when this girl came over and introduced herself. She said she had seen me sometimes waiting in the car park for my friend.
I felt rather flattered that she recognised me. I bought some wine and as my mate was off with her friends, we got to know each other. She said she was 21. She kept topping up both of our glasses and we started dancing. She slipped on some ice on the dancefloor and I went to save her but caught her dress. One of the straps broke at the back. We were both laughing but she pulled a safety pin out of her handbag and asked me to go with her to the disabled loo to help her fix it. We locked the door behind us and I grabbed the strap from behind, but then ran my hand across her shoulder. She turned to face me and I kissed her.
The kissing got more intense and I pulled her dress completely over her head and there she was standing in all her glory. We had incredible sex, admittedly not in the nicest of places but I’ll never forget it, though we didn’t see one another again.
It’s now nearly ten months later and my relationship has developed. My girlfriend is about to move in with me and I feel so guilty about that night at the party.
I can’t tell her or I’ll lose her just as things are going well, but I feel like an awful person.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s usually the best plan to be having sex with just one person at any stage in your life but yours was not a massive sin compared with many infidelities. You took a chance, and you’re lucky that one-night stand didn’t lead to complications like pregnancy or infection, but you and your girlfriend hadn’t the commitment you have now. It’s unlikely your girlfriend will find out about that night so work on forgiving yourself by channelling positive energy into making your relationship as good as it can be. – Sun