The ManicaPost
Laura Jane asks:
Is he cheating? So, we have been together three years and it’s been amazing, we have done everything together, seen the world, got our own house, helped each other find careers and we are also the best of friends.However, recently I noticed a change, the sex used to be amazing, sometimes once or twice a day up until about six weeks ago he went on a week-long training for his now job and came back “different.” He won’t be intimate with me, he is moody and secretive.
I then saw a message on his phone from a family friend of his. It was an explicit picture with the words “just to refresh your memory” I asked him about it and he denied it for days until he gave in and said they “may have kissed on a night out a few weeks ago as he bumped into her”.
I am not convinced and the day he received that picture he stayed late at work for two hours, saying the internet went down and he could not process the transaction. I just went to use his WhatsApp to see, he has got her under a different name in his phone book. She is under a work colleagues’ name as opposed to her real name.
Now I know alarm bells would be ringing at the start of this story, however, he is not the type of guy to do this. He is so down to earth, honest and open with me. I know him inside out, but all of these cannot be a coincidence.
Godmother Michelle Zelli responds to Laura Jane:
I wish I could reassure you but am sorry to say there is every chance you are being Gaslighted. The change in behaviour, lack of intimacy, dishonesty, false name . . . whatever is happening it is time to start taking care of yourself.
The temptation could be to snoop and pry, but that will only make you feel worse. Step back and look at yourself, what is important to you and your relationship? If you value honesty and open communication, (then) lead from the front. The explicit picture and message on its own is enough to tell you something is not right.
If you focus on him, you could find yourself caught up in a painful dance of anger and grief. You will behave badly, you are triggered and hurt, likely not to like yourself very much. Even more difficult to counter are the lies and the denial, you will start to feel crazy! Gaslighting is the art of making someone doubt themselves, even when the evidence is clear.
Of course, you do not want to admit to yourself that the man you have trusted and built a life with is up to no good, but when the evidence is this strong, you owe it to yourself to face the painful truth and make some difficult decisions.
Put yourself and your sanity first.
Take time out, make space and fuel the best part of you. You need to be on your best game and feeling as strong as possible to face this unpalatable truth.
Often infidelity does most damage because we blame ourselves for not seeing it coming. We stop trusting ourselves, suss people out and wall our hearts from further connection to prevent more pain. Get support from your friends, take stock, be brutally honest with yourself — the trust has already gone — now what is your next step? Only by taking control will you be able to see your future.
I wish you strength and courage to be the best version of you in a very difficult situation.
Hannah asks:
My closest friend around a year ago became so close with a mutual male friend. Their friendship became more of an obsession on her behalf as they got to know each other and I felt really replaced. I did say to her that I was unhappy that she blew me off for him constantly and whenever we do hang out all she talks about is him. More recently they became slightly more than friends although they agreed to stop as he is moving away soon, and they did not want to do the long distance thing.
Today she came to me upset because she feels replaced by another female friend of his and I did not know how to react. Part of me is very angry that she did not realise, despite me telling her, that she has done the same thing to me, but at the same time I want to be a good friend.
Is there any advice I can give her or anything I can do to move past the feelings of frustration and be the friend she needs to move on from him even though she ditched me?
Godmother Michelle Zelli responds to Hannah:
It is hurtful when a friend distances for another but it is also an opportunity to review your own values around friendships and your boundaries.
When we “tell” somebody how we feel, and they just do not get it, a useful tip is to ask them questions. This allows them to think about the situation in a different way and often with more empathy. In addition, you will also understand more about what has been going on for her. Perhaps you could ask her “when you were spending so much time with X, I felt hurt and disappointed and I wonder how you would feel if I did the same?’
This is the part where you listen carefully and allow her to think about it from a different angle. You might be surprised about how much you learn.
Another consideration is whether this is a pattern that is showing up in other areas of your life? Are you clear and consistent with your boundaries, letting people know, in a loving way, what is important to you and where the red flags lie? If you have abandonment in your history, it is likely you will attract more abandonment. Definitely an angle worth looking at as it would turn this painful dance with your friend into a positive game changer for you.
Can you accept your friend as she is? If not, tell her. “It really hurt when I felt dumped for xxx, are you able to understand and promise you will not do that again?”
If she is not able to, you now have a choice whether to continue investing in this friendship or to move on to find other friends who share your values for consistent connection and loyalty.
Remember to keep focusing on how you behave and how you feel. You cannot control another person, but you are responsible for your side of the dance and what you accept in your life. — femalefirst.co.uk.
