Good marriages are 80% what you need

MARRIAGE DR —
Good marriages are 80% what you need and 20% what you need to work on or build throughout the marriage.

Now this is based on good marriages, imagine what bad marriages consist of.  Strangely though most if not all marriages breakdown because of the 20% not being there. And the 20% can come in the form of a mistress, finances disagreements, absentee partners due to work or school, barrenness, in-law issues, debt, addictions (alcohol/drugs/sex), even different religions.

When you look at these issues, it’s hard to believe that these things cannot be worked out. Truth is they can. But these are key issues in marriage and if not dealt with or discussed right from the beginning, the 20% will ruin the 80%, especially with immature couples.

If you read my first line carefully, you will see I said Good marriages are 80% what you NEED. I did not say what you WANT. This is key to understanding a good marriage. I always say some of the best marriages are where the partners are opposite to each other not negatively, but in a positive way.

This is when the ‘need’ is taken care of. It is weird though because no one really wants someone opposite to them in certain things right? I am sure you have seen men who are quiet, but the wife is so talkative, or you see a man is very sporty and the wife just loves being at home, or the one partner spends money negligently but the other is very careful with expenditure, or the one partner looks like a cooking stick and the other looks like a pillow, or the one partner is an addict, but the other partner is not, or the one partner enjoys socialising, but the other partner is not so much. The whole point of this is that you learn to balance each other out.

Imagine if both partners were always spending money, they would always be in debt. Or imagine if both partners were always partying, who then would bring the stability and maturity to the marriage? Marriage is about balancing each other’s character so that you become a powerful team…a team of one.

Of cause having said all that you need to also realise that for a marriage to stand the test of time, there needs to be common ground. The couple have to have something that they both enjoy doing together, something that can be used to bring them to common ground.

It can be as simple as watching movies, or enjoying pizza together or going camping etc. It needs to be something that the two of you share not with other people, it’s your thing. It can be one major thing or many small things, there is no law. You just need to share some common likes.

Now the “want” is the list you have in your mind of the perfect partner. If you do not realise that your perfect partner is the person that fits perfectly beside you regardless of whether they meet your total ‘want’ list, you will hit major rocks in time. Of course there are certain things in us as individuals that are necessary to that person.

For instance a woman may insist on having a tall husband. It is her preference and no matter how nice shorty is, she will not be happy with him (attraction), because height is key for her. A man may insist on having a wife with certain hair types or skin shade, and if he does not have that he will not be happy. I know its frivolous to many people, but to other people these are deal breakers.

But there are other things that fall into the 20% bracket which one may only discover way into the marriage. Like one partner may be adventurous in sex and the other may only want to try the missionary position.

Right there if not sorted out, the adventurous partner will go off and satisfy his/her pleasure outside the marriage (20% satisfaction). The mature thing to do on both ends is to discuss the matter, get counselling or agree to meet each other half way.

The more reserved partner can possibly learn a different move or two, whilst the adventurous partner, needs to treat his /her partners body. Nothing wrong with going crazy now and again, but doing this all the time is a concern.

Another 20% issue may be that one partner spends every dollar they get, whereas the other budgets every dollar they get first before spending. This is good when both partners acknowledge this and do not use it against each other, but uses it to strengthen each other.

That’s it from me this week folks. Until next week God bless.

The Marriage Doctor can messaged / whatsapped on 0733 285 730.