The ManicaPost
DEAR Deidre: For the past 11 years, my dad has been cheating on my mum — and I never suspected a thing. I am so angry and almost ashamed to be his son. I am 22 and I work in sales. I wanted to go to university but my grades weren’t good enough.
My brother is 17 and in his final A-Level year. He wants to go to university and is already suffering panic attacks about it.
We don’t want to tell him this horrible news until after his exams. But he must sense that something is not right. I can’t get my head around this as my dad is a local councillor and makes out he is moral and very strait-laced.
He brought us up to be honest and never let anyone down. What a creep. Maybe I might have accepted his affair if it had only gone on for a matter of weeks.
He’s 56 and I could excuse a short fling on the grounds of a mid-life crisis. But 11 years is half my life. My mother, who is 53, is livid with him.
They had just celebrated their silver wedding. She’s told him to go and he is looking for jobs at the other end of the country. I don’t want to see him again.
It turns out he has been giving his lady friend money, when our mum was struggling to pay the bills.
He also spent time with his girlfriend when our poor mum was suffering with breast cancer a few years ago.
Thank goodness she’s now OK. But when she was ill, I was left caring for mum and for my little brother while dad was enjoying himself.
The stress badly affected my school work.
If he had been with us, I know I’d be at university now.
I feel like he has ruined my life and I will never forgive what he has done.
I don’t know how to process all this, how to support my mum or how to tell my brother — or when. I keep asking myself why he did it.
Why were we not enough for him — my best mate.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t think this was in any way your fault or that you, your mum and your brother are not good enough.
This was all about him and I’m betting the reasons go back a long way.
It’s natural to be angry but don’t believe that he’s ruined your life. You can still reach your dreams.
You need a safe place to let out that anger and say how you feel.
It may be better to break the news to your brother soon because he may be imagining something even worse. Tell his school too, so it can offer him support.
Your dad let you down, there’s no doubt. But you’ve learned resilience and what is important in life. There are plenty out there who, for all kinds of reasons, messed up their exams but who still have successful, rewarding careers.
DEAR DEIDRE: I see couples together everywhere and wonder why that can’t be me. I don’t have the confidence to talk to women and ask them out.
I’m a 56-year-old guy. I was married for six years but the marriage ended 20 years ago.
All the dates I have been on since have been fixed up by my friends. I’ve been to clubs for divorcees and on dating sites but nothing works.
One woman told me the only reason she wanted to be with me was to give her kids a stable upbringing.
I’m so lonely. What am I doing wrong?
DEIDRE SAYS: You are probably giving off an air of neediness.
Focus on the women you meet, not your own needs. Ask them about themselves, their day, care about what they think and feel, show interest in their chat and their problems.
People love being asked about themselves, will enjoy the conversation and you don’t have to impress.
DEAR DEIDRE: I’ve got two women pregnant — my girlfriend and her mother. It’s all a nightmare and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years. I’m 27 and she’s 21. She is a hotel receptionist, working lots of unsociable hours. I’m a mechanic.
We were arguing a lot and we decided we were going to try having an open relationship just to see whether we were meant to be together.
My girlfriend’s mum is a fitness instructor and takes classes at the gym where I go. She’s amazingly fit and looks about 25.
She decided to have an impromptu party for her 39th birthday and invited me, even though my girlfriend and I weren’t officially together, as lots of people from the gym were going. My girlfriend was away for the weekend at a friend’s hen party.
We had lots to drink and everyone was dancing and having fun. I was hammered so her mum said I should stay in the spare room rather than booking a cab.
As people left we started washing up and she went to give me a peck on the cheek to thank me for helping her, but it was just as I turned my head and our lips met.
I was shocked but it felt nice. We kissed some more and ended up having sex on her kitchen table. Then, to my horror, I saw my girlfriend standing in the doorway. She had come back early from the hen weekend.
She screamed: “You’ve really crossed the line, you b*****d”. When I pointed out we were having an open relationship, she calmed down and confessed to having a fling with one of the waiters from work. I was fuming. Now my girlfriend has found out she is pregnant and so has her mother.
My girlfriend is positive it’s mine because of the timing. Her mother says she’s not had sex with anyone for years, so she knows I’m the father.
While my girlfriend is not speaking to me, her mum pesters me to move in with her. Things couldn’t be any worse.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s a mess but I’m less worried about how this affects you, your girlfriend and her mum than I am about how life will be for two innocent children if both women decide to go ahead with their pregnancy.
You must talk with both of them separately and emphasise that they must not let some sort of mistaken rivalry stop them thinking through the consequences.
Your relationship with your girlfriend has been far from settled and stable. Is either of you ready to become a responsible parent? What chance a relationship between you and her mum could last?
The decision about continuing with any pregnancy will rest with your girlfriend and her mother, but they need to know where they stand with you. Don’t mouth statements about being supportive if you’re not going to be committed. — thesun.co.uk
