The ManicaPost
Dear B
The mother of my child and I are the best of friends, but this is making my current girlfriend very insecure. She now wants to dictate when and how I should talk to her as she says she doesn’t trust me around her. I totally disagree with her request.
Boitumelo replies:
Is there a reason for her not to trust you particularly? It sounds like she does not have confidence in you and that’s what you must work on. However, I am just imagining how it feels like for your partner to keep hearing you referring to your ex as your best friend. Can you imagine her always talking about her ex-boyfriend who is apparently her best friend? How would that make you feel? I can confirm to you that it is a different feeling when you have to be the one on the other side and you are asked to accept other people’s unfair requests.
It is good to have a good relationship with the mother of your child but given the nature and history of your relationship, it will always be an issue for whoever is your girlfriend at that time. I would say keep the relationship civil, with good boundaries. Being best of friends will always work against you.
Dear B
My younger brother has moved into our mother’s house with his girlfriend.
My sister and I are now noticing that our elderly mother is slowly losing control of her own place. What is the best way to intervene on her behalf?
Boitumelo Replies:
It would be ideal to have a family meeting to discuss what you don’t appreciate.
If you do not continually challenge the couple’s actions, they will continue to do as they please.
If there is serious concern over the health and safety of your mother, then social support services such as a social worker should be involved to provide protection for your mother.
This will also serve to show your brother that you have taken the matter to the authorities, and that it is not just between the siblings.
Social workers can help establish a set of rules to manage your mother’s house and serious consequences if those rules are broken.
An external body can help to assert those rules as it can be difficult to be firm and hard on our families even though we can see that they are mistreating us.
Maybe in this way your brother will take your concerns seriously.
Dear B
My future wife has confirmed she was a prostitute in tertiary school. After proposing marriage to her, my girlfriend of three years told me she used to be a prostitute during her campus days where she slept with blessers to help pay for her tuition and lifestyle. The revelation has left me broken and I am not sure if I am willing to look past this and move on. I am sad, conflicted and don’t know what to do?
Boitumelo replies:
I think this situation is a good indicator of how both of you are in this relationship, seeing that you already want to run at the sight of a problem.
And your fiancée lacking trust and confidence in you as a confidant, someone she is not afraid to be open with, gives the impression that perhaps both of you need to know each other better and hold off the marriage for a few months or a year.
The fresh start will help you decide whether this is the woman you can be with for the rest of your life.
Your fiancée will also get the opportunity to know you better in order for her to be able to trust you with her history and problems.
Otherwise, what’s the point of having someone to spend the rest of your life with if you can’t see them as your friend, where you can be vulnerable and accepted.
