Failing to resist sister’s boyfriend

23 Mar, 2018 - 00:03 0 Views

The ManicaPost

Dear Deidre: MY husband has two wives. I married him because I couldn’t bear to live without him but it’s playing havoc with my emotions.

I’m 29 and we were dating for two years before I found out about his other wife and son. We’re both from India but live in the UK.

I confronted him when I saw some mail addressed to “Mr and Mrs”.

He cried, admitting he’d had an arranged marriage in India but insisted he has never truly loved his wife.

He said he loved me, then proposed. I said yes because I wanted to take his name.

We married six months ago and I told my family we’d had a quick civil ceremony. My parents were devastated.

My husband says he won’t tell his first wife about me but now it’s on my mind. I don’t want to be his guilty secret.

Deidre Says: You’re never going to be happy in this limbo. Your husband may not love his first wife but it’s unlikely that marriage would be regarded as dissolved.

That would make him a bigamist and your marriage null and void.

Dear Deidre: ALMOST all of my friends knew what was going on when my then-boyfriend was cheating on me with my best pal. I felt so betrayed.

At first, I was pleased my friend liked him — but I didn’t know quite how much.

In total, six of my close friends knew they’d been seeing each other.

I was devastated and fell out with them all. I also dumped my boyfriend.

My ex and my friend eventually split up. I’ve since been getting back together with my old friends but my former best pal is back on the scene again.

I’m worried I can’t trust them when she’s around. We’re all in our late teens.

Deidre Says: Pick the friend you trust the most and explain how betrayed you felt.

My guess is they were scared of hurting you and hoped it would blow over.

See if you can clear the air with your former best friend, who may feel very guilty.

Dear Deidre: I HAVE been having sex everyday at the gym with my sister’s new boyfriend. I am terrified that she is going to find out.

Sometimes we do it twice on the same day. I find him irresistible and he says he finds it impossible to keep away from me.

I’m 22 and work at the gym. My sister and her boyfriend are both 25. They work for the same company, which is how they met.

They both started coming to the gym on a regular basis and I found him really attractive from the moment I set eyes on him. I felt very envious.

He started visiting to workout more and more often. My sister got a bit bored with it and after a few weeks she was only coming once a fortnight or so.

There was an undeniable chemistry between him and me. I knew he fancied me rotten by the way he looked at me and I fixed things so that I would not be far away when he was changing.

Then one time, when things were quiet, he grabbed me and kissed me. I just melted and we had sex there and then in a cubicle in the men’s changing room.

After that, I would often slip in and join him when things were quiet and I knew he was showering. Of course there was a risk of someone coming in but that just made the sex even more exciting.

I would keep my eye on him as he used the gym equipment beforehand and I knew he was watching me too. It was like foreplay.

I never see him outside work but I go to sleep thinking about him and I wake up thinking about him too.

Deidre Says: If you don’t feel you are being used, then you should. This guy is offering you nothing. He is not even trying to form a relationship with you. He doesn’t really know you as a person and is not free to be with you. Even worse, he is cheating on your sister. He would no doubt cheat on you too if he had the chance.

You deserve a better guy than this to fill your thoughts and dreams.

When the affair becomes known, as it surely must, not only will there be an almighty family row but you will probably lose your job as well.

Meanwhile he has nothing to lose but his relationship with your sister — and he obviously doesn’t value that very much.

He may seem amazingly attractive right now but this man is not worth the risks you are taking for him.

Tell him to get lost and look for a boyfriend who cares about you.

Dear Boitumelo
The mother of my child and I are the best of friends, but this is making my current girlfriend very insecure. She now wants to dictate when and how I should talk to her as she says she doesn’t trust me around her. I totally disagree with her request.

Boitumelo replies:
Is there a reason for her not to trust you particularly? It sounds like she does not have confidence in you and that’s what you must work on. However, I am just imagining how it feels like for your partner to keep hearing you referring to your ex as your best friend.

Can you imagine her always talking about her ex-boyfriend who is apparently her best friend? How would that make you feel? I can confirm to you that it is a different feeling when you have to be the one on the other side and you are asked to accept other people’s unfair requests.

It is good to have a good relationship with the mother of your child but given the nature and history of your relationship, it will always be an issue for whoever is your girlfriend at that time. I would say keep the relationship civil, with good boundaries. Being best of friends will always work against you.

Dear Boitumelo
My younger brother has moved into our mother’s house with his girlfriend.

My sister and I are now noticing that our elderly mother is slowly losing control of her own place. What is the best way to intervene on her behalf?

Boitumelo Replies:
It would be ideal to have a family meeting to discuss what you don’t appreciate.

If you do not continually challenge the couple’s actions, they will continue to do as they please.

If there is serious concern over the health and safety of your mother, then social support services such as a social worker should be involved to provide protection for your mother.

This will also serve to show your brother that you have taken the matter to the authorities, and that it is not just between the siblings.

Social workers can help establish a set of rules to manage your mother’s house and serious consequences if those rules are broken.

An external body can help to assert those rules as it can be difficult to be firm and hard on our families even though we can see that they are mistreating us.

Maybe in this way your brother will take your concerns seriously.

Dear Boitumelo
My future wife has confirmed she was a prostitute in tertiary school.  After proposing marriage to her, my girlfriend of three years told me she used to be a prostitute during her campus days where she slept with blessers to help pay for her tuition and lifestyle. The revelation has left me broken and I am not sure if I am willing to look past this and move on. I am sad, conflicted and don’t know what to do?

Boitumelo replies:
I think this situation is a good indicator of how both of you are in this relationship, seeing that you already want to run at the sight of a problem.

And your fiancée lacking trust and confidence in you as a confidant, someone she is not afraid to be open with, gives the impression that perhaps both of you need to know each other better and hold off the marriage for a few months or a year. The fresh start will help you decide whether this is the woman you can be with for the rest of your life. Your fiancée will also get the opportunity to know you better in order for her to be able to trust you with her history and problems.

Otherwise, what’s the point of having someone to spend the rest of your life with if you can’t see them as your friend, where you can be vulnerable and accepted.

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