The ManicaPost
DEAR DEIDRE — ONE night I got very drunk and stupidly exchanged sexy texts with an ex-girlfriend.
I said things I shouldn’t have, given that I have a new partner who is expecting our baby.
Now the ex is demanding cash to stay quiet.
I would ignore her threats but I don’t want my girlfriend upset.
I know it was stupid to stay in touch with my ex but we were together for eight years and she was a big part of my life.
I am 35 now as is my current girlfriend. She is desperate to start a family before it is too late. I am out of my mind with worry.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you give in to your ex’s blackmail, she can go on demanding money.
Tell her you simply haven’t got the cash and ask why she would be so cruel to your current girlfriend.
Maybe she will back off but, if not, you have to be honest with her. Tell her you love only her and block your ex.
DEAR DEIDRE — I HAD great sex on holiday but it wasn’t with my husband. Yet it was so good and felt so right that I don’t feel at all guilty about it.
There has been no sex in my marriage for two years and no general affection either. We have been married for 15 years and have 11-year-old twin daughters. I am 40, my husband is 43. I feel ignored by my husband . . . it’s no wonder I cheated. I did lose interest in sex after the girls’ birth but now I have reached a time in my life when I have more confidence and I look and feel at my best physically.
I tried to tell my husband I feel lost and sad because there is no affection between us. He agreed he should try more but said sex is not important to him.
I like the life he provides for us. He has a good job, we have a nice house and holidays abroad.
I enjoy his company but don’t want to be in a sexless marriage.
I went to Ibiza with my sister for a few days last autumn.
On the final night a guy started talking to me. There was no sexual attraction but I felt a connection with him. He is 37.
We have been texting ever since. I have told him I’m married but he said he doesn’t want me to leave my husband.
I booked to go back to Ibiza for Easter with my sister but she was ill and could not go so I went on my own.
I met my holiday guy there. We had a lovely meal out and he said he had booked a hotel room for the night.
Sex was brilliant and made me realise how important it is to me.
My husband works very hard but the real problem is he does not seem to know how to swap from work mode to home mode. He often talks to me as though I am one of his employees.
I stood up to him last week and he really didn’t like it. He said it made him think our marriage was in trouble.
I want to get things back on track with him but he seems happy with things as they are.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is about more than just sex, it is about communication too.
You can’t have good sex unless you have good communication outside the bedroom.
Your husband works hard to give you a good life but this is probably stressful for him, making it hard for him to swap from work mode to home mode. Stress hits sex drive too.
It would probably be easier to talk outside the home so ask him to come for a quiet walk one weekend.
Tell him you appreciate how hard he works for you and your girls but you would like to feel closer to him again.
Try to make the point that together you can make things better, rather than tell him what he is doing wrong.
Be specific about what you want rather than leaving him to guess. — THE SUN
Dear B
I recently found out that my husband was cheating on me when he sent me a wrong card and gift clearly meant for his mistress.
He confessed and said the affair meant nothing to him. I have now asked him to call his mistress in my presence to denounce their affair but he is refusing to do so. I told him it is my only condition to get back together with him.
Am I being unreasonable?
Boitumelo replies:
It is fair to expect your partner to be honourable to the ideals you agreed about in your relationship.
It’s also fair to expect your husband to end the affair and to show commitment in this relationship.
I understand that you are being assertive about your needs and expectations with this ultimatum.
You don’t want him to think that he can do something like this and all he has to do is just apologise.
I see your position that he was actually caught and it was not out of his own volition to confess, hence you want to hear him end the relationship.
I hope you won’t be policing him further as that will be emotionally draining. And Darling, you are not only being unreasonable but your exercise will prove to be futile. Calling her in front of you is not going to break them up.
It may also hurt you very badly to hear that other woman’s voice.
Do something different and ditch the normal girl behaviour. Find out where you dropped the ball as a wife. Fix yourself, do you and put yourself first.
The other woman does not have power unless you start acknowledging her.
