The ManicaPost
Mercy Ngwebvu
MANY marriages have failed to withstand the impact of HIV/AIDS. Many cases of AIDS-related divorces would have been avoided if appropriate attention and proper support had been given to HIV-discordant couples, namely spouses where one is negative and the other positive.
Suffice to say, the first point of attack as soon as HIV infects a married person is their marriage. It is no longer news that many marriages in Zimbabwe and most of Africa are daily lost to HIV infection because most people do not understand that being negative while the other party is positive should not rob a marriage of peace and marital bliss.
Sex is an important binding factor in marriage preceding religion, cultural values and economic development of the man and woman who would have vowed to live together in matrimonial union.
However, the emergence of HIV brings in the question of whether or not sex remains integral in the natural contract of marriage especially where one partner is HIV positive.
While some discordant couples live happily with HIV in the institution of marriage, others don’t because sex is no longer an ingredient in their partnership.
Jane’s predicament (not her real name), a woman from Dora Pindo, started when she was pregnant with her second child in 2008. As required by ante-natal health policy in this country, she was supposed to undergo HIV testing. She subsequently tested positive to HIV.
Nurses provided her with counselling on how to manage her HIV status and ensure that she does not transfer the virus to the unborn baby. With professional counselling there is now high possibility than ever before that more couples found in this situation agree to stay in their matrimonies. This is exactly what happened with Jane and her husband.
“My husband accepted this and we went to the hospital together. We received a lengthy counselling and he assured the hospital staff that his love for me would not change.”
Indeed her relationship with her husband did not change in the first two years after her diagnosis. However, no sooner than that the story became different. Her husband started showing signs of reluctance to have sex with her.
“Though he had accepted my status, as time went on, he seemed reluctant to meet my conjugal rights or satisfy my sexual desires as his wife. Inasmuch as I had tested HIV positive, I still needed sex and love, but he was no longer giving that to me.”
He started asking me what I was lacking in the house because he provided everything from material needs to the care I needed as an HIV patient. I appreciated the fact that he was providing everything, but when my own husband refuses to have sex with me, it troubles me a lot,” she explained.
This is the ordeal of one of the discordant couples we managed to interview. The question may then arise, how does it happen that in a married couple, one may be HIV positive while the other one is negative?
Responding to this question at a workshop held by the National AIDS Council in Mutare recently, the national co-ordinator of the AIDS and TB unit in the Ministry of Health and Child Care, Ms Getrude Ncube had this to say: “In every one hundred people, one is an HIV virus carrier. However, this person is not readily affected by the virus. This is because that particular person does not have a receptor . . . but that does not mean that that person will remain like that forever! Should something go wrong at a certain point, they will still contract the virus,” she continued.
Though it is understandable that in discordant couples, the negative party may be reluctant to have sex with the positive party, it is quite sad to note that these cases are most common when the woman has the virus.
The issue of discordant couples then gives us the opportunity to address problems which some women are facing. The man being physically and financially powerful has all the say. But we are telling such men that they should love their women without fear and have protected sex with them resting assured that they will not get infected.
“What binds two people, when it is a discordant couple, is the fact that they share true love. However, it is the fear of what would be consequences of having sex that separates them. The partner who is HIV positive has the fear of infecting the one who is HIV negative whereas the one who is HIV negative has the feeling of guilt that he or she is not satisfying the needs of his or her sexual partner because of the situation they are in.
Sex is important in matrimony, because it is the culmination of love and reproduction. Everyone wants to live in the next generation through their offspring. In a marriage where there is no sex naturally there is a feeling of deprivation.
While, Jane and her husband are in a dilemma, other discordant couples do manage their situation.
One couple from Dangamvura who refused to be named seemed to be having no problems inasfar as their different HIV statuses were concerned.
“When your partner is found HIV positive, it is a test of whether or not you really love your partner and staying with them and supporting them is the confirmation of that love because it is possible that you could have been the one positive, and this is where real love is shown because real love perseveres”, said the man who is HIV positive.
“Though our life is not always a bed of roses, I should say that we do not have too many problems. Of course sometimes people ask why we are not having any more children and we tell them that it is all God’s plan. We have come to accept who we are,” said the HIV-negative wife.
The couple also revealed that the counselling they get from hospitals is very helpful and has helped them to soldier on.
“Instead of using the male condom which can burst easily, we have now switched to the female condom because we want to remain healthy at all costs and so we are taking all the best precautions we can. I am urging other discordant couples to try it,” continued the wife.
Discordant couples should show each other all the love and support. They must have protected sex all the time and the negative partner should encourage the positive partner to adhere to anti-retroviral treatment.
This is so because research has shown that proper intake of ARVs can help reduce the chances of infecting your loved one who is HIV negative by 96 percent.
It remains a fact that discordant couples can still be happy and enjoy their love life and marriages. However, love should not overshadow the need for people to remain healthy and HIV-negative.
