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Clarify roles before tying the knot

04 Jul, 2014 - 14:07 0 Views

The ManicaPost

HIE everyone, hope you are all well!
This week, I will try to respond to someone who said they went for marriage counselling, but the counsellors were rather shallow and did not go into the kind of details I talked about. They asked me to help them with the type of questions that should be asked between the couple.

I am saddened that your marriage counsellor did not go into depth with you guys. Sometimes it is difficult for them especially if the couple are well known in the church because everyone just wants them married whether the counselling is done or not.

Sometimes the couple would have set a wedding date already which is probably close, which means the counsellor is just going through his or her paces, rather than making sure the couple deal with everything properly. Anyway, here are a few key areas in your marriage you will need to deal with either now or later:

SEX
You need to talk about sex in great deal. Believe me if you do not, you will face the issue in time. Men usually are on a different plain to women when it comes to sex. So please neither of you should not take it for granted that your partner knows what you want — they do not most of the time. Discuss what you both like and how you like it. If one is not keen to try something, find a compromise. Maybe in time things might change.

Women are not like men where they can just go into sex all the time. Most of the time women want to be romanced, through phone calls, little notes, kissing, hugs, romantic dinners, etc, thorough out the day. By the time the evening comes, she is more than willing to give her man her all. Men on the other hand have no problem getting into the sex act without romance. So these are things you both need to discuss and see what works for you.

CHILDREN
It is important to discuss how many kids you want. Believe me this can change throughout the marriage especially when a woman had a hard time giving birth with each child. But initially it would be wise to decide how many kids you would both want. You need to decide when you want the first child and stick to it regardless of family pressure.

Another important point is to agree on the age gaps of your children. For instance, do you want them 18 months apart, or two years or what? Another extremely important point to discuss is if you cannot have kids, what then? Let me tell you, that in many traditions if the woman cannot have kids, the family will encourage the man to have children with another women or even take on another wife.

So you need to get this clear from day one. Another question to ask is does the woman become a stay-at-home mom when the kids come or does she keep working because of finances? Schooling is another important issue. Where do you want your kids to learn, private school of Government school? Do you want them going overseas or staying local? Do you want them in a co-ed school or not? Which religion will the children be trained under if any?

RELIGION
You as a couple need to decide what your core beliefs are and stick to them. This will affect quite a few things like will the kids be dedicated at birth to the ancestors or to God. Will the children be baptised, etc?

You need to decide what your spiritual beliefs are and how you will include them in your life if any. What about Christmas and Easter. Will you celebrate them with the kids, or not? Does Father Christmas exist in your home or not? Does the Easter bunny play a part in your Easter celebrations or not? There is nothing wrong with having different religious beliefs, but it will cause an issue when the children come, you need to find a balance that will not offend the other parent.

HOUSEHOLD DUTIES
It’s so easy for men to presume that once the couple is married, the woman will automatically take up the role of housekeeper. Nowadays this is not necessarily so. I know some ladies who after marriage did not plan to cook or even wash plates.

This of course met with a lot of resistance from the husband which caused unnecessary fights between them. The end result was they hired a housekeeper/cook, but the husband was still not happy because he wanted his wife to cook his meals and not the hired help. So people discuss these issues so that you both know what you are signing into.

Decide which household chores you are going to do if any and make sure you stick to it, or discuss changes if necessary as time goes on.

Another important thing to discuss in the home is if both of you or one of you needs the home to be spotless or a little bit of clutter is good. Decide how important home-cooked meals are as compared to takeaways.

FAMILY INVOLVEMENT
This is very, very important especially if there are in-laws issue already. You will need to decide whether you will be visiting your parents on a regular basis or weekends or just once in a while.

If parents on both side are alive, how will you divide the holidays? Family drama is inevitable, how will you deal with it. Remember whenever there is family drama, the two of you need to support each other in public, then deal with the disagreements in private.

Decide whether it is okay for one partner to constantly spend time with his or her family without the other partner. I will not encourage this, but that is just me. If there are in-laws’ problems with one of the partners, discuss what the appropriate behaviour with both of you is. Because if one partner feels like the other partner is taking his/her parents’ side against him/her, they will carry the hurt throughout the marriage and cause unnecessary arguments later on.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

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