The ManicaPost
Catherine Murombedzi
MAKING a decision to remain abstinent may be tough. One may have to handle peer pressure. This is true if one is a virgin. The pressure to become sexually active from friends may be too much.
One maybe in a relationship where pressure to take it to the next level mounts, the next step is intimacy as friends say one is left behind if not being intimate.
We find that someone decides to abstain without being prepared for it.
Young women who decide to abstain can fall pregnant if they do not fully put themselves into the idea which in the first place is to be applauded.
If one decides to be sexually active, one has to guard against unwanted pregnancy. Also use protection to guard against sexually transmitted infections including HIV.
Abstinence can be secondary if one was sexually active before.
Talking of secondary abstinence, I feel one knows what they are addressing and why they are doing it.
It is more of an empowerment decision when one takes secondary abstinence.
Many young people and adults are abstaining from sex for their own good.
“Even if one had sex before, abstinence makes great sense in one’s life. It helps one physically and mentally to deal with situations they face,” said a young man who is taking care of his two children after separating from his wife.
The man who spoke on condition of anonymity, said for now and until his children are grown-ups, he has chosen to raise them up with no sexual connection to anyone.
“We are there single fathers raising up children in our private lives. My ex-wife left for a course abroad and later decided not to come back. We both agreed to have a divorce and three years ago it passed. So here I am with a teen son in college and my daughter in high school. I have focused on raising up my children and in the process abstain from sexual activity. I am managing well because it is something I took up after a strong and determined thought. I cannot be in a relationship if I am not prepared to settle down with the person that is unfair. So for me it is abstinence,” said the man.
Many would look at the above as someone who feels hurt and has no place for romantic escapades.
I feel the man is true to himself, honest and needs no sexual connection with any person. He has made a decision which he upholds.
A young girl from an urban setting said for her abstinence is something pushed into her by church and community, hence she has remained a virgin because it is expected of her.
“I am a virgin because my family preaches that, but I can have other pleasurable intimacy in anal or oral sex,” said the girl without giving a whiff of the decision.
As a society have we put so much importance on virginity without expounded the other intimate relationships.
The young woman said with anal and oral sex it was mostly transactional and she benefited.
“I preserve my virginity while at the same time making money. Is it not what everyone wants to marry a celebrated virgin. I am one for sure.” she added.
The author of The Wise Youth, Tinaye Zenenga stressed that he was abstaining from sex a decision he has made. His body is the temple of the Lord.
He talks of a sad incident in his life growing up when a friend took his life aged 16 after making a girl pregnant. These are the dangers he highlights tbat come with sex before marriage.
“My body is the temple of the Lord and I will keep myself away from substances that harm me be it alcohol and sexual immorality,” said Tinaye in the book.
Most women have found out that they are HIV positive during ante natal clinic.
This goes to show that they have been in a sexual union first without having used contraception and protection
At times the pregnancy is unplanned and even unwanted.
Melody Gwenyambira-Doma a journalist is a young mother of two married to fellow journalist, Munyaradzi Doma. She is a virtuous woman who values the tenets of abstinence.
“I was raised up by a woman who impressed the notion that Christianity is not a religion, but a lifestyle. So whatever we did or talked about my mother would make reference to scriptures in the Bible,” said Doma.
“When I was 13, my mother started talking to me about praying for the man who would marry me and for my children. She said it was important to pray about the future and also prepare myself for it,” she added.
“Abstaining from sex was also part of this preparation. My mother taught me that sex was only to be enjoyed in the confines of a marriage. I had to keep myself for the man who was going to marry me. I did that and because it was something that was constantly talked about in our household it stuck on me like any other house rule. This made it easy to navigate through some of the pressures from my peers to engage in sex. I was also raised to be firm so everyone I befriended knew my values,” she said.
“They knew exactly what to talk about with me so I was surrounded by people who never pressurised me into having sex. I benefited from abstaining from sex because it brought pride and honour, not only to me, but my late mother and my family as a whole,” she added.
“The problem nowadays is that most young people don’t care about that pride. They will tell you straight in the face that my urge doesn’t care about my pride. They will also ask you why you should keep yourself a virgin when the person who is going to marry me will probably be not a virgin. Well, I am not one who goes with the crowd. I told myself that whether my husband was going to be a virgin or not I was doing this for me and my God. Most young people go with the crowds because their friends are having sex they will want to have it too. Abstaining is a personal decision that you make and should not apologize for,” said Doma.
“There are certain people who will ridicule you or give you names. It happened to me and guess what, I didn’t die…and you know what they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Temptation will come in all forms, but stand your ground. For me sex is sacred, so is my body. I did not want to share my pride with anyone. It had to be one man who was going to marry me As an individual you should have high esteem for yourself because no one will…Before I am special to my husband I’m special to myself,” said Doma.
Doma will impart the same values to her children.
“I am going to teach my children the same values. I value abstaining from sex because it is a lifestyle of obeying God and His word. Stay true to yourself and don’t go with the crowd,” she said.
If only we had more youths in the make of Tinaye and Doma we would have no teenage pregnancies, STIs and suicides from issues related to sexual relations.
@Melody Gwenyambira is based in Denmark. She is a former reporter at Zimpapers and was a regular contributor to H-Metro, The Herald and StarFM. She is also a trained master trainer with the PAN African Comprehensive Sexuality Education and Information project, piloted by Save the Children International, where she offers peer educator training and engages parents in accurate reproductive health education. Melody also works with Non-Governmental Organisations on advocacy projects. In 2013-14 she took part in the Zimbabwe Women Journalists Programme hosted by the American Embassy, which is designed to build leadership and media skills for participants to become editors, publishers and confident role models in Zimbabwe’s expanding and challenging media environment.
